My name is
Diana Layne. And I hear voices in my head.

There. I said
it. I realize a person in the mental health field might be a little worried
reading that. But honestly, it took me a long time to figure out that not everyone
hears voices in their head. No, I mean really. A long time. As in recently. And
I’m almost—

Yeah, well,
let’s forget how old I am.

I was brought
to this startling realization of what I’ll call silent-head syndrome when I had
a conversation with a writer friend who confessed her daughter didn’t have
people living in her head. That statement pulled me right out of any writerly
mental playground. What?? Not everyone has imaginary playmates? I struggled to
grasp such a foreign concept.

The friends
in my head have been with me since I was a tot.

Perhaps it’s
because I was an only child and an only grandchild and created imaginary
friends to combat loneliness. No people living in computers back in my day.
Although as a side note, I love my computer, I call it ‘my precious’, but I
have to be careful so the friends in my head don’t get jealous. (They go away
and sulk when they get jealous—bad scary times then. Yes, I know who’s in
charge.)

But no, there
were no computers back in the…er, yeah, forgot, we’re not mentioning how many
years ago that was. Just know it was BC. Before Computers.

The jealousy
thing is only one drawback of having friends in your head and living in a
make-believe world. 

Yep, believe
it or not, as wonderful as it is to never get lonely, to have friends to escape
to when reality gets stressful, there are other drawbacks and dangers. And no,
I’m not talking about the danger of being carted off in a straightjacket
although I suppose that is always a possibility.

Voices in
your head can be rather distracting when you have to do some real life stuff. I
know. Real life. How annoying.

Things like
cooking. I hate cooking.

Which is why
I bring my friends out to play when I have to cook.

Ok, so the
food ends up a little burned.  But you
know, by now, my family has lived with burned food so long, they think if it
isn’t burned, it’s not done. I know, I know, hard to believe. But trust me on
this.

Another
hazard in cooking is using a knife– 

Nah, forget
it, that story’s too gory, I won’t go into that. But I did once misplace a bag
of frozen broccoli—and not in the freezer. House smelled for days; I tore it up
looking for the source, bought enough scented candles it should’ve made the
place smell like a bawdy house, until at last I tracked down from whence the
stench flourished. Where, you ask?  In a
cabinet up over the stove. That’s where the company-comes-calling dishes are
stored. I have no idea or memory of storing it there. It must have been a
brilliant brainchild of one of my ‘friends.’

Should I move
on to driving?

First, if you
live in the world of make-believe and have teen drivers… Beware! You could be
off playing and your driving-age kid, who is now old enough to recognize only
your body is there, knows it’s the perfect time to ask to borrow the car.

Later, you
might join the real world only to wonder where your kid…and your car…are, and
the kid is wisely not answering the cell phone. (No, I don’t speak from
experience, why would you ask?)

As for me
personally driving…well, I’ve run stoplights and found myself speeding, of
course, and thank goodness I realized it before the cops did. But then there
are times it gets a little scary when I look around and realize I have no idea
where I am.  I have no sense of direction
and getting lost can be a jolting experience. Oh, but we have GPS now, right!
Let me tell you, I’ve managed to get my GPS lost. No, not lose my GPS, but get
that poor lady in the box so lost and confused she sounds like an
out-of-control talking doll. “Continue one block. In two feet turn left, in one
foot, turn right.” Left. Right. Straight. Poof, blown fuse! Useless GPS. Sigh.

Maybe I
should have a sign on the side of my mini-van. Warning: Writer Driving!

To prove it’s
not just me, I asked a couple of writer friends what can happen when they are
busy in their make-believe world.

Jerrie
Alexander ( http://www.jerriealexander.com/ ) has learned, “It’s a mistake to
get so wrapped up [with imaginary friends] I don’t pay attention when the dog
growls.”

Jealous dog,
I think, worse than needy kids. “Does he need to go out or is he fighting with
the cat?” I ask.

“Growls when
he wants to go out. Kicks it to ear-deafening barks if you don’t listen. For 7
pounds, he’s got a set of lungs.”

Note to self:
Get a doggie door if I acquire a small dog…or better…don’t acquire small dog.

Another land
of make-believe resident, Danielle Kazemi 
(http://www.facebook.com/daniwrites
), confesses to burned dinners as well. (I contend charcoal is good for your
kids!)

But the most
memorable thing she has done while being distracted with her playmates:  “The best has to be I flooded the bathroom
once. The scene just could not wait.” She chuckles.

“Flooding the
bathroom! “ I gasp. That pretty much beats stinky broccoli. “How did that
happen?”

Giving
another small laugh she admits, “I turned on the water to take a bath then I
remembered I needed something before I got in. So I left to go get it. The
computer was on and somehow I ended up sitting down and writing a scene. By the
time I remembered, the tub had overflowed. Spent a while cleaning that.”

Proof indeed,
the siren call of imaginary friends.

So there you
have it, living in the world of make-believe. Wouldn’t trade it for the real
world for anything. Even if, like Danielle, it means I need a king-size mop…

Diana Layne’s land of make-believe is
non-discriminatory and she plays equally well with pirates, mobsters, soccer
players and FBI agents. You can read about her—er, their latest adventures at
http://www.dianalayne.com/